Infertile Myrtle

Long Time No Blog

2012-02-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

So long time I know. Well I got a little bit busy, no a lot busy and I am ready to get back into the groove. So here we go.

First- the last time we talked I was in the middle of receiving donated embryos from a wonderful couple in Idaho. Well great news that is now official! We signed the contract back in November.

We have set a date for the transfer and now I am trying to wait out February. Which is proving to be a very long weight. Everyone keeps saying that if will just fly by but so far that has not been my experience. It seems like the closer I get to March the slower time seems to be moving. So the date is March 22nd. As of right now my only job is to get my body ready to receive.

Embryo Uterus Conditioning begins!

First of course prenatal along with some extra folic acid just for kicks. Then on the 20th of January I had two polyps removed from my uterus along with a D&C that removed a VERY thick lining that I have had for who knows how long due to my PCOS. On the forth of February I started Birth Control Pills. Weird I know I am trying to get prego so they put me on BCPs. From my under standing it is to make sure that my hormones are regulated for the next month before they go into the actual FET cycle. Then after a cycle on those I will move on to a bunch of other meds for the transfer that I will go into detail on later. Exciting I know!

Other than that Keith and I have been doing very well. God is so and he deserves all the credit. Without him non of this would have ever been possible. Sometimes I think about how ungrateful we can be and even in that he is good. He loves us so much. I remember when the docs first told us that it would be almost impossible to have bio kids. I remember how upset I was, feeling that after all I had done for God that he owed this to me. I felt like he didn't care. Wow just writing that makes me feel so foolish, that God owed me something. I am the one indebted to God without his sacrifice non of this would even matter. Looking back now not even at the end of the road yet I can see Gods hand on our lives. I had told God that he promised that I would have the desires of my heart and that, that promise must not be true because my desire was to have my own bio children. Yes God could have healed us right there and given me what I wanted, but he had something so much greater planned. When I was in the depth of my sorrow God could see the awesome road that lie ahead. My heart now sings with hope of a great future. What a wonderful privilege to be chosen to carry these special little lives that await Keith and I. Tiny snowbabies waiting to be given the chance at life. How special they must be for God to go to such great lengths to make sure they have there chance. I can't wait to see who they become. I know that even now as they lie dormant and frozen God has a plan for them. Whatever your plan is God let it be in our life. Lord you have provided the way and means. I pray that the work you have started in us will accomplished. I pray for my snowbabies Lord protect them. You knew us while we were yet in our mothers womb you have a purpose and a plan for us and I know that you already know these snowbabes and You also have a purpose and plan for them. Keith and I are blessed and highly favor to be given such a treasure.

Love you Lord and love you guys.

Amen

Moving Right Along!

2011-07-30T08:08:00.000-07:00

Hope Saturday is treating you all well. I know it has been a very busy week here. It has been a good week, but a long week. Just thought I would give everyone a little update on what I have been up to.

JOB? Well I have been offered a job at a daycare. Which I am sure I would love. I would be teaching a 3 year old class! The bad thing is that right before I took the job the state called and wanted me to interview. The ladies at the daycare where so very nice to agree to wait until I hear back from the state. So now I wait. I should know by Monday weather or not I have been chosen.

EMBIES? Great news here. Things are moving right along. I have met with a counselor, made my appointment with the clinic, talked to the lawyer signed papers and paid for the contract, and I am now working on getting all my prior medical records together for the new clinic. Lots and lots of things going on.

Moving? Keith and I have been talking seriously about packing up and moving to Pensacola Florida. Though I am nervous about moving I do believe that it would be a good thing for us. The move won't be for a while, because a couple things need to happen first. We don't want to move while my father is still ill, and we also need our house to sell. So hopefully my dad will continue to get better and the house will sell. I have researched some churches that I am really excited about down there! There a couple different ones that I will definitely be visiting.

Talk to you soon.

Embies to Love!!

2011-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

Hello! Sorry it has been so long. Between vacation and all the other crazy things that have been going on I have finally have a chance to write. So the past couple weeks have been eventful to say the least.

First: I have some great news. I have decided to publish a website devoted to connecting families that wish to donate their embies to families that wish to receive them. It will have many different features but most of all it will be mountain of useful knowledge for those who are just getting started in embryo donation. I will give a lot more details on it very soon so stay tuned!

Secondly: A wonderful family from Idaho have chosen to donate six 3 day embies to Keith and I. We are so very excited about this wonderful gift. I was beginning to think that something like this was out of reach for us, but God has moved and we have started the process of receiving the embryos! We have not decided on a date yet for the transfer, but we are hoping that our house will sell soon and we can do the transfer thereafter. We ask for your prayers that all goes smoothly. For those couples out there wishing to receive embryos keep hope and persistence. If it is what God has for you, it will happen.

Thirdly, We are placing our house on the market tomorrow night!!! We are so excited about getting out from under the huge payment. It has been a heavy burden these past few months. Please pray that our house will sell quickly and and at good price. We don't want to give it away if you know what I mean. We are thinking about moving out of state after it sells. Nothing has been decided for sure yet, but we are looking for great place to raise a family. Any suggestions would be great.

Lastly, I am still on the hunt for a new job. I interviewed at a daycare this morning and hope to hear back from them soon. I am still trying to get on for the state so keep praying that I would find favor there. I know God has a plan. I just have trouble seeing it sometime! lol.

Well I think that about sums it up. I know is more of an update than a discussion on any one subject, but I hope you enjoyed it. I will get back on track with a couple posts a week. Thanks and have a GREAT day!

The Waiting Game?

2011-06-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

Well it is Monday and as for me that's about all that can be said about it. It was a not so hot weekend here for me. Lots of things went off course this week but the big one was when the transmission on my car gave out suddenly and unexpectedly. Lets just say I am glad to move on to a new week with my long awaited vacation only a few days out!

Today I wanted to talk about the waiting game that we infertlie's get tied up in. It seems the first lesson you learn when trying to conceive is to wait. You start waiting for the first day of your period so that the counting can commence. When you get to the first day of your period then a two week wait starts as you anticipate ovulation! So you wait and wait and finally you see that egg white CM or you get a + OPK. Which starts a shorter wait for you husband to get home that night! Which intern starts off a new two week wait also know as TTW. Wonderfully the day comes to test and then after a two minute wait that seems like two hours, if you are very blessed the cycle will stop, but for most of us the waiting cycle starts all over again.

If that wasn't bad enough in the midst of this cycle we are waiting for the next fertility appointment, ultra sound, clomid cycle, IUI, IVF, SA, FET, and chance to talk to our doctor instead of a nurse! All this waiting is enough to make a sane woman crazy!

I think the worst thought among all this waiting is when does it end? Will it end?

There is no answer to that question. For some soon, for others who knows. There was a point in the middle of this journey that the only hope, the only thing I had to look forward to was my next appointment. Living this way is terrible, there is no joy and no substance in life. There will come a time when this season in our lives will end. For some it will end in pregnancy, some adoption, whether embryo or after birth, some becoming content as they are, some a miracle, some in despair.

This journey makes us feel like we have no control. Like a leaf swept down a raging river. We can over come! We can choose to let infertility define us, or we can define infertility! Infertility is NOT who we are, or what we are. It is an obstacle that God has placed in our lives to make us stronger, deeper, and wiser. I would not wish infertility on anyone, but I would not trade the lessons I have learned for anything. I have learned how to love my husband deeper. How to live better. To make the most of what I have right now! To really love God and trust him even in the worst of times.

Our joy should not depend on our circumstances. If it did we would never have joy in our lives. Joy comes only from the Lord. Whether infertility or finances there will always be some obstacle to overcome and some journey ahead of us.

Today ponder these questions:

So who will you choose to be? What will you let define who you are? What will determine your happiness? What are you waiting for?

We will not let our circumstances rule our lives. We will not.

Looking to donate Embryos! (2)

2011-06-23T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is having a great Wednesday! Today has been a crazy with a lot of crazy people. I am ready just to zone out and take a break. I have not heard anything on the interview yet which is becoming frustrating. Patience is not something I excel at.

We sent our bio and have yet more the first response we got. Today I did pay the $150.00 to get access to Miracles Waiting. So I will post there too and maybe we will get a bite!

My mind has been so focused on these embryo donations lately that even my dreams are starting to reflect it. Many of my dreams are centered around any stage of pregnancy. For a few months there my sanity had returned somewhat, but now I feel myself pulled into that all consuming section of my life called infertility.

I was driving yesterday and I just had this overwhelming feeling of great JOY. You the kind of joy that you know is only God given. It makes you feel like standing up and shouting YES GOD HAS A PLAN! Where you feel like you could take on the whole world all at once. I felt like I had a word of salvation for the whole world a wonderful word of hope that had been inspired by the Holy Spirit! I have not felt that sense of urgency and joy since I was at an internship at messenger college. It felt so good to "connect" again!

Jeremiah 20:9
But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.

I am ready to be a mamma and I know that I know that I know, with all assurance that God loves me, cares for me, and has the BEST plan for for my life!

Looking to donate Embryos!

2011-06-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been few days since I posted! It was a busy last week. I hope everyone is having a great Monday! Still have not heard back from the state on my interview. Please keep in your prayers. My sister in law says not to worry it can take up to three weeks for the state to get back to perspective employees. This only the beginning of week two.

Exciting news! As of late my interest in Embryo Donation (ED) has peaked to say the least. These last few days I spent surfing the world wide web trying to find any speck of info on ED that I could. In this searching I stumbled onto a website that is an egg bank for women. The site has a support forum for these women. One of the posts read, "Looking to donate Embryos." At the bottom of the post there was an email to contact. So I took a leap of faith and emailed. The next day I got a response form a very nice lady who had three families that wanted to donate their embryos to a infertile couple. She asked me write up a bio about Keith and I so that's what I did.

A day later after my Husband had edited it for spelling and grammar along with adding a little something of his own we sent it. So this weekend I waited impatiently, checking my email every couple of hours. So just a few minutes ago I received an email, that one of the couples had replied and that they are very interested!

I am so excited! I have this cheesy grin on my face that I can't seem to get off! I have read that tiny paragraph about a dozen times! I just told my hubby who is also elated! We are trying to control our joy and not get too excited just yet.

I will update you tomorrow!

Embryo Adoption?

2011-06-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, hope you are having a great hump day! I am still waiting to hear back from my interview so keep those prayers coming!

My husband and I have been looking into embryo adoption! At first I was supper excited about it, thinking that this could be a great way to one: help families who don't want to kill there embryos give them a chance for life, and secondly: to help make our dream of having a family come true! Sounds great right? Well it would be if there wasn't so much red tape already.

No its not at bad as traditional adoption, yet. There are three ways to adopt.

1st.) You can go through an adoption agency. The good thing about this is that it is very organized and all the logistics are handled for you. The bad things are that the cost associated with an agency is quit substantial. Ranging between 4,000.00 and 10,000.00 dollars. You also are required to pass a very rigorous back round check including, but not limited to:

-Credit Check

-Backround Check

-Medical Check

-Home Study

-Required Counseling

and many more obstacles.

The wait time can also be from 1 to 3 years depending on the agency.

2nd.) You can go through a local clinic. The main problem I have had with this option is finding a clinic that does embryo donation. If you are lucky enough to find one that has a donation program, then almost always you will find a large waiting period on the end of a list. One of the great things about this option is that the cost is reduced to about 2,500.00 to 3,500.00 dollars. Also you can rest assured that all the medical testing to make sure it is safe is in place.

3rd.) Independent Embryo Donation. This is a great option because it is the most cost efficient. You are able to develop a relationship with the donor if so desired. The down side is that it is risky. There are not rules or regulations in place so you have to hope that the people donating are as morally sound as you are. Or the other way around. It is faster in some cases, if you are able to find a family willing to donate. There is not cost to the donors which is also a great aspect. Cost of just the transfer is around 3,000.00 dollars so it is relatively inexpensive too.

My husband and I are currently seeking out this last option due to the fact that there are not any clinics I know of that have donation programs in Missouri. If you know of any please feel free to comment! We are also considering a sperm donor just because of the wait that associated with embryo adoption. Embryo Adoption can be a great thing!

Waiting is hard . . . but I know that some day our dream of having a family will happen! My sister in law who ended up using a surrogate always tells me, "Its not a matter of if, but when." I'm sure along with the rest of you I am hoping my "when" comes sooner than later.

I haven't had any comments yet so if you don't mind leaving me some so I know that you are out there!

Sometimes when feel like my prayer are bouncing off the ceiling I sing this scripture and if comforts me!

Psalm 5

1. Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. 2. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. 3. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

The Dreaded Baby Shower . . .

2011-06-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I know I did, but it was also very busy. I had a concert to play at on Saturday, work that morning, then we headed down to the lake for the afternoon, church Sunday, birthday party, and a baby shower that after noon. So yes busy but fun!

If you have been an infertile at any point in time I am sure that you have faced the baby shower dilemma. We all have friends and they are usually around our age which means that most of us will sit back and watch our friends start there families while we set grounded on the sidelines. Baby Showers are supposed to be wonderful occasions where everyone celebrates this new life that will be coming in to the world. But for us it serves only as a terrible reminder of what seems so out of reach. Unless they have been infertile it is very hard for others to understand when we are reluctant to attend one of these parties. Sunday I faced this dilemma. One of my best friends since we were children and my maid of honor was having a baby shower for her first baby! Now I know that I was supposed to be excited and supportive and jumping up in glee, but none of those emotions accompanied me to this shower. I did feel however, anxious, nervous, upset, angry, sad, and helpless. Those don't exactly equal the life of the party.

I knew I had to go. If I didn't go I would be viewed as the worst most selfish friend and if I did go I didn't know how long it would be before I burst into tears. Its not that we hate the other person for being pregnant though we might envy them. It is that we feel so sad for ourselves. So unable and helpless in our situation.

I went, and I smiled and tried not to focus on myself. It was hard and not enjoyable but I did it because she was my friend and as much as I hurt I knew I needed to be there for her. Maybe just maybe someday she can be there for me. As an infertile, not being able to have babies can become your identity. We need to remember that infertility as BIG as it seems is just a phase and we won't always be in our current circumstance. One way or another this season in our lives will come to an end.

For some of us we can soldier on and baby showers are hard but not impossible. For others baby showers are something that just shouldn't be attended. We are all different and it is ok to say sorry I can't. First we must protect our hearts and sometimes that means that we may have to make tough decisions.

To all those infertile's that have set quietly at a baby shower holding back the tears, smiling through pain, and laughing through the sadness you are not alone and we share your heartache.

Adoption . . .?

2011-06-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there, hope everyone is having a lovely Friday!!! Its hot but manageable here. Quick update I interviewed at the state yesterday for a job in the department of revenue! The interview went well, I think, and I Aced the testing so hopefully that earns me a call back! I will keep you posted!

A few months ago a relative on my husbands side came up from Texas to visit for a week ( We will just call her May). She and her husband had also struggled with infertility for a long time and finally adopted. I want to give you some food for thought.

May expressed that Adoption was a hard thing. May and her husband had adopted a newborn which is the dream of almost every parent that attempts adoption. A beautiful little girl, they were so happy and so ready to raise this little blessing. The teenage years are rough but with some prayer and perseverance they made and she graduated this past may!

First, the restriction for adoption can be overwhelming. Then do you adopt domestically or internationally? How long is the average wait for a newborn? How will this child fit into your family? Will the child have unknown health problems? How much will it cost? How do I get started?

All these questions are very hard to answer and most don't have an exact one. Adoption really is a paying, waiting, and hoping game. It can be conquered though, people adopt everyday. So do your research. There are lots of websites that have great info on adoption. Also a great resource is to check you states department of social services website and that might help get you started.

Adoption is hard and it may not be the best option for your family. But for some it is the best and maybe only option to have children. I have never met and adoptive parent that has said that it was easy, but I have never one that said they wouldn't do it all over again. Know your facts, do your research and good luck! As for us we are still playing the waiting game.

Oh and readers if you have any great info on adoption or have been through the process yourself please feel free to share with us!

The Story Continues

2011-06-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is having GREAT day. Today has been, well hot. I work at a car lot that has no AC which makes for a long day to day the least.

So I left off my first post with me having PCOS and my feelings afterwards. The RE we were seeing suggested that before she treats me that Keith my husband should get a SA (semen analysis) just to make sure that he didn't also have a problem. I remember saying sure I know he's good. Keith is 6ft tall about 160 lbs and has always been in great health. You know, eats right, exercises, and like to be active. Well about a week later we get the results for his SA and much to our surprise they came back with NO sperm. None what so ever. How do you have no sperm? Maybe a low count, slow ones, or even weird ones, but no sperm? Of course my first question was,"So what now?" She suggested that before I get treated that we have Keith see a urologist. The first one we saw put Keith on Clomid. I know I thought the same thing. Isn't that a treatment for women? Well turns out it does the same thing for a guy.

It takes the male body about a 100 days to cycle through sperm production. So we wait 3 months and nothing, then 3 more months and nothing, and 3 more months and nothing. When you are a couple that are trying to conceive a baby 9 months might as well be 9 years. It seems to creep by.

Our choices now seem to be, well shrinking. We went to a male infertility specialist in St. Louis and she believes that Keith has a genetic disorder where he is missing a part of his Y chromosome. The one that tells him how to make sperm. This can only be confirmed with a biopsy which we are currently scheduling. There are 3 types of this disorder. The names escape me, but depending on which type you have you may or may not have good chances of finding any usable sperm for IVF.

If you have type #1chances of finding sperm for IVF is 75%

#2 50%

#3 25%

Hopefully his surgery will provide some hope for us.

What a neat o idea!

2011-06-07T10:11:00.000-07:00

Don't worry it will happen. Just relax it will happen. Stop trying and it will happen. Have you thought about adoption? I heard (insert name here) adopted and then got pregnant on their own. If you go on vacation you will get pregnant. Maybe your not supposed to have children. Have you tried praying about it?

If you at any point in your life have been trying to conceive without success then I am sure that some wonderful family member, friend, or coworkers have freely given these great pieces of advice. If you want to tick off an infertile just use one of these great phrases! I have come to realize that if those caring people have not been through infertility personally then they cannot understand. But, that doesn't mean that they can't be there for you. I know in my own life that I just want someone to be sad with me for a little while. Not fix it, but help me endure it so that I'm not alone. We need someone to cry with us.

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Last night I received news that one of my good friends was pregnant with #2. Well as you can guess I went straight into an emotional mess! Sobbing in the shower so no one could hear me and a 2hr walk around my city hopping to get lost, but I finally ended up in an empty park on a squeaky swing. Hoping that in my sobbing and praying God would divinely show up as homeless person and give some wonderful word of wisdom or hope. Something that I could hold on to. Something to get me through, but nothing. No word, no homeless angle, no sign in clouds, no dreams, just silence. But in the silence there was peace. Undeserved, unwarranted, almost unwanted peace. I wanted to be upset, I wanted to be discouraged, I wanted to cry poor me and have the whole town listening, but peace. I didn't ask for peace. God gave my heart what it needed . . . a break. So in the quietness I called my sister and asked if she would like to get some ice cream and we did.

Right now I am fighting with one of my best friends and why? Because I need someone to be mad at. I need to point my finger at someone and say you don't care and you don't understand. So don't mistake not understanding for not caring and lets give our friends a chance to be there for us. Even if they need a little coaching.

Infertile Myrtle?

2011-06-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

Hi there,

Well I'm starting this blog to . . . ok well I don't really know why. Maybe because I am always talking infertility, and I think some are tired of listening or they got pregnant and infertility is no longer a stimulating topic. Oh and I secretly hope that one day I will turn this into a best seller and finally have enough money for IVF (funny). Though I don't know if that is even an option. My hubby and I have been "Trying" for 3 years this past may. First I though it was me because I have always had well not normal periods. So after about 9 months of trying on our own I got tested!! So exciting right . . . thats what we all think the first time. Not knowing that this first appointment starts a spiraling circle of tears and pain that may not have an ending, but we will get to that later. Yes, turns out I have PCOS for those readers who are not up on all the infertility slang that is Ploycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It was sad to receive this diagnosis, but at the same time I felt relieved that I could point my finger at something and say, "YOU! You are the reason for all this pain!" I guess that I needed to blame someone or even something. I also felt that now that there was a reason that there was also a solution. Leaving the infertility room I remember feeling almost happy with my results. Happy that yes it might take a little more work but that I would have a pregnancy that was a little different. Something to talk about. It was excepted with an,"Oh this is interesting." kind of curiosity. That didn't last long.